>> Thursday, September 24, 2009
All right, all right. All the recappers have already agreed that last week's "BIGGEST LIE IN PROJECT RUNWAY HISTORY" wasn't exactly the biggest lie in Project Runway history, so we won't belabor that point. The bigger question for us is, why did Johnny even bother to lie? He didn't really have to. Okay, sure, probably not the best idea to say, "Yeah, Tim told me my first design looked like a Milky Way Bar being eaten by a flock of Central Park pigeons so I threw it away and knocked this thing out at the last minute." But that doesn't mean he had to make something up. A simple, "Yeah, um, I had time issues" would have sufficed, and probably not brought out the claws on Nicolas.
"Let's see...what's a five letter word for 'not a winner?'"
But then again, Johnny couldn't really claim time issues either, could he? Not when he had time to sit and do the crossword. All of Johnny Drama's boohooing about Project Runway being harder than quitting addiction (really?) and wanting to make it to Bryant Park felt like crocodile tears at that point, as he seemed only marginally more inclined to exert himself than Mitchell Hall was. Johnny impressed us early with his design knowledge, but he lost us along the way.
"Designers, please join me in castigating the pariah in our midst."
We're sure Johnny regrets the lie more than anything now, particularly as everyone's beloved Tim Gunn gave him the coldest send-off in Project Runway history--and that, my friends, is not hyperbole. Blogging Project Runway ran a poll asking which was more shocking--Johnny's lie, or Tim Gunn's reaction to it in the epilogue--and as of press time Tim's backlash was beating the brown paper skirt off Johnny's fib by a wide margin. Seeing the usually unflappable Gunn flap was certainly the most shocking moment of the episode for us.
After the show, this coat was doused with maple syrup by a protester from PETT: People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees.
The designs, for an alternative materials challenge with such a limited amount of time to create them, were surprisingly not shockingly bad. Two or three of them really impressed us, including of course Irina's fashionable trenchcoat. We picked her for the win in last week's preview, and we weren't disappointed.
Simply insert your sensitive documents into the corset, and they come out shredded on the other side.
We missed the boat on Christopher though, who impressed again with a feathery dress and a paper mache faux armor top. This dress had the best movement of anything that came down the runway, and it was no surprise it was singled out as a top three look.
This dress is also bulletproof.
Althea got so much play in the previews we should have known she'd make the judging too, but we whiffed on this one too. This one was intriguing mostly because that material looks like anything but paper. Unfortunately, it looked--and moved--a bit too much like stamped metal.
Too ready to wear?
We would have preferred to see this outfit in the top three--and we have to admit to scratching our heads a bit when the judges were finished critiquing it. Was it in the top or the bottom? Eva and Tommy seemed to like it, but Heidi kept channeling Nina and calling it boring. Heidi, dear, was this dress really worse than this?
"The Flying Samurai" by Epperson
"The Vacuum Cleaner Filter" by Shirin
"The Fusilli Minnie Mouse" by Louise
Sorry, Louise. We're usually big fans, but this one--ouch. Johnny's first attempt may have looked like a paper mache thing our daughter brought home from first grade last year, but the top of this dress looks a lot like a collage she did with uncooked pasta.
But in the end, none were deemed worse than Johnny's quickie...
"Jane of the Concrete Jungle"
...or this Nicolas-designed "punk" look worn by Simone...
"The Kafka Carapace"
...er, Celine! Yes, Celine! That's it. Yes, it must really do wonders for a model's confidence when her designer can't remember her name--but Celine may have bigger things to worry about with Nicolas very soon at the rate he's going.
Which is as good an entree into the Big Board of Shame™ as we're going to get this time, so let's do it!
Althea: 11 points (One 1st place, One 2nd place, One 3rd place, Two safes)The Annotated Big Board:
Christopher: 10 points (One 1st place, One 2nd place, Three safes)
Irina: 9 points (One 1st place, One 3rd place, Three safes)
Shirin: 8 points (One 1st place, Four safes)
Carol Hannah: 7 points (One 2nd place, Four safes)
Ra'mon: 7 points (One 1st place, One 2nd place, Two safes, One 3rd worst)
Epperson: 6 points (One 3rd place, Four safes)
Louise: 6 points (One 3rd place, Four safes)
Gordana: 2 points (Four safes, One 3rd worst)
Logan: 1 point (Four safes, One 2nd worst)
Nicolas: -2 points (Three safes, One 3rd worst, One 2nd worst)
--------------aufed--------------Johnny: 0 points (One 2nd place, One 3rd place, One safe, One 3rd worst, One Auf)
Malvin: -3 points (One safe, One Auf)
Ari: -4 points (One Auf)
Qristyl: -8 points (One safe, One 3rd worst, One 2nd worst, One Auf)
Mitchell: -10 points (Two 2nd worsts, One Auf)
Scoring: 1st place (4 pts), 2nd place (3 pts), 3rd place (2 pts), Safe (1 pt), 3rd worst (-2 pts), 2nd worst (-3 pts), Aufed (-4 pts)
- Volatile Johnny leaves with only one safe design in five weeks, and burns up his four accrued points getting aufed. He crashes out with 0 points, breaking even but for the negative public opinion.
- Your top three designers for the week are now your top three designers overall, as Althea and Christopher solidify their positions and Irina jumps up to join them.
- Shirin is hovering in the no-man's land between the middle and the top.
- Carol Hannah, Ra'mon, Epperson, and Louise form a solid, yet uninspired middle group.
- And it's hard to know if Gordana, Logan, and Nicolas are misfiring, or merely hitting their ceilings. As Tom and Lorenzo say, "First you weed out the obvious ones, then you weed out the underachievers." Yes, you three, we're looking at you.
- Gordana remains the most unfathomable bottom-dweller we've ever seen. Only 2 points through five episodes, and yet the work she's producing makes you think she'd be higher--mid-table at least. Is she a dark horse, or will she never get out of the barn?
- Logan is cute (as has been established, and which will be further reinforced this week), but he hasn't done much to impress. We can forgive him for the misstep with the dress for a client who didn't match his aesthetic, but the dresses that have been what he wants haven't wowed. He has to step it up, or he'll be gone, shiny pants or not.
- Nicolas is in serious trouble. When the judges start thinking of you as a loser, it's hard not to get typecast. His saving grace? If he can make it until Nina and Michael come back, he gets to start all over with them! In the meantime, his bark is definitely much worse than his bite.
- Oh, and Ra'mon gets his second safe week in a row! Hope he enjoyed it while it lasted...
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SPOILER ALERT: As we point out each week, we don't have any prior knowledge of what's to come, other than (usually) the guest judge, (sometimes) a vague idea about the competition, and (occasionally) whatever preview videos Lifetime chooses to air. Using all these sources of public information, we make guesses about who will be in and who will be out. Often bad guesses, but (we hope) fun ones. If you prefer to be surprised by this week's episode, there's still time to watch that Netflix movie that's been sitting on top of your television for two months...
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Hooray for Hollywood! That's where we are, remember? Los Angeles. Project Runway doesn't want the designers (or us) to forget it, so this week we all take a field trip to a movie studio back lot, where Tim and Collier Strong give the contestants their next challenge: pick a movie genre and invent a character to dress. The designers are all giddy! Tim beats that out of them pretty quickly with the announcement that they have only one day for this challenge. Take that!
"Does anyone know if they sell Dalmation fur?"
Nicolas is working on a villain dress, and goes straight for the feathers. Cruella de Vil, anyone? Christopher tells Tim his inspiration is "vampire bride." Carol Hannah's is "sexy assassin."
And speaking of sexy assassins...
I'd ship that.
...lady killer Logan is finally using his powers on purpose, training his magneto ray on Carol Hannah. She's the only "female" he's made a connection with, he tells us. Of Logan, Carol Hannah says, "He's hot!" Yes, Carol Hannah. We know. In the Models of the Runway preview, the hens are clucking about Logan too. What will they do to poor Carol Hannah when they find out Logan has shown an interest in her? And we know there is interest, because there is workroom winking:
"Are you a sport? Do you like to 'go?' Eh? Do you? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more."
If we survive the workroom romance, we'll see movie-inspired fashion coming down the runway, which could be fun. Zoe Glassner is in one of the previews as a judge again, so we suppose that means no Nina at the very least, and we suspect no Michael again either. And the guest judge? We have no clue. It would make sense for it to be a movie star, but we're not confident that sense plays a big role in these things.
This week's movie theme gave us a crazy idea: what if we cast movie stars in the roles of the designers? It was too tempting. So before we get to the predictions, Gratz Industries is proud to present our very own Ocean's Eleven. (Seeing as how there are eleven contestants left and all.)
Believe it or not, that was the movie's actual tag line.
Eleven designers. One hundred thousand dollars. One chance to pull it off...
Meryl Streep is Gordana, the Eastern European assassin with veins of ice and legs that could crack a walnut. (And admit it--Streep's the only one who could pull off that accent.)
Shia LeBeouf is Christopher, the young heartthrob with the daring hair.
Eva Longoria Parker is Irina, the poodle-loving dominatrix who keeps the boys in line.
Orlando Bloom is Logan, guy's guy and boy toy.
(Down, ladies and gentlemen--I said down!)
Christina Ricci is Louise, the goth-geek brains of the operation.
Whoopi Goldberg is the enigmatic Epperson, soft-spoken elder statesman of the team.
While hot young newcomer Lea Michele plays Shirin, the gleefully irrepressible teenager.
Alan Rickman, best known as Snape from the Harry Potter franchise, fills the feathery robes of Nicolas, whose insults dig deeper than his rotary cutter.
And Goldie Hawn makes her triumphant comeback to the silver screen as Carol Hannah, the saucy Southern bell with a heart of gold.
Rounding out the cast is Jessica Simpson, who stars as Althea, the Amazonian princess of design. (Sorry, Althea. It was mostly the hair. We swear.)
And in the role of a lifetime, the inimitable Eddie Murphy is Ra'mon-Lawrence...
...and Ra'mon Lawrence!
(And hey, is that Shia LeBeouf in the background!?)
Which of the eleven will walk away with the big score, and which of them will end up in the hoosegow? We see matinee idols Nicolas, Christopher, and Gordana as tops at the box office this week. Yes, yes, we know Nicolas and Gordana have the lowest ratings on the Big Board of Shame, but nobody thought John Travolta would have a second life either, did they? Let's put it this way, film fans, if Nicolas can't win the challenge where he gets to use feathers--which is what he gets paid to do by people like Victoria's Secret--then he ain't gonna win any of them. So we'll put Snape in first, put Even Steven Christopher in second, and make Sophie's Choice Gordana come in third.
Who's in trouble this week? The previews also show Epperson, Irina, and Louise on the runway, but we think there's one more designer on the bottom. In fact, whichever of these three do hit the direct-to-DVD racks, none of them will go home. This outfit will see its star's swan song:
Says Tim Gunn, "This could be sublime, or it could be a big hot mess." Says, Ra'mon of his own creation, "This is looking like Kermit the Frog gone wrong!" Add those comments to his reaction when his outfit comes down the runway...
...and we're afraid it's time for Ra'mon-Lawrence to be be trading places. Ra'mon goes home, Irina is scolded for a poor effort but sent off with immunity, and Epperson and Louise sweat it out through the negative reviews.
And just for the record, Ra'mon, which genre and character were you possibly going for with that one? Oh, wait--we know!
It's Gumby, dammit!
See you in 007 days! Gratz Industries will return in...
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUNN
Gratz Industries: We watch the previews twenty times so you don't have to!