Edward vs. Buffy

>> Monday, December 8, 2008

I was surprised to read recently that, in the spirit of such fan favorites as Aliens vs. Predators and Jason vs. Freddy, the producers of Twilight the movie and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series were in talks to combine their two franchises for a Buffy Summers/Edward Cullen showdown.

Joss Whedon shared a few pages from his spec script for the movie, given the working title Twilight in Sunnydale, with fansite Whedonesque.com, but Stephenie Meyer was so upset about the leak that she put the kibosh on the project. "I feel too sad about what has happened to continue working on Twilight in Sunnydale," she told fans on her web site, "and so it is on hold indefinitely." It's a real shame, as Twilight in Sunnydale would surely have been one of the biggest blockbusters of our era.

As a writer, I study Whedon as a grandmaster, and so I was lucky enough to download the pages he posted before Meyer's attorneys sent out their cease and desist orders. It's too much to post it all here, and I don't want to get one of those C&D letters either, but I think I can get away with a short excerpt.

From the screenplay for Twilight in Sunnydale:

Following up on the tip from Oz's werewolf contacts, Buffy climbs in the window of recent Sunnydale High transfer student BELLA SWAN to discover EDWARD CULLEN, a vampire, watching the girl as she sleeps. Edward, apparent-age 17, is impossibly beautiful, with angular features and marble-like skin that sparkles.

BUFFY: Whoa. Turn it down there, Tinkerbell.

EDWARD: Shhh! You'll wake my darling Isabella!

BUFFY: Right. Sorry. It's just you really ought to take the batteries out. Somebody might mistake you for a Christmas tree.

EDWARD: I'm sorry. It's my vampire skin. It sparkles in the sun or the bright light of the moon.

BUFFY: Uh-huh.

EDWARD: I'm serious! That's why I can't go out during the day.

BUFFY: That and the bursting into flames thing.

EDWARD: No, really. It's just the sparkle.

BUFFY: Hey, I hate to break it to you, but real vampires don't sparkle. I should know. I have the t-shirt.

EDWARD: Who are you?

BUFFY: Name's Buffy. I'm a vampire slayer. I mean, it's not who I am, or anything. It's just what I do. Girl's gotta have a hobby, you know?

EDWARD: I don't allow Bella to have hobbies. She might get hurt.

BUFFY WAVES HER STAKE AT EDWARD AND BELLA, WHO IS STILL ASLEEP.

BUFFY: So what is this, you just like to play with your food before you eat it?

EDWARD: What? Oh! No! I love Bella. I could never drink her blood! Even though it is the sweetest blood I've ever smelled...No, I just like to watch her sleep.

BUFFY: Sure. And after a little watching, there'll be the 'sucky-sucky.' Wait--scratch that. You know what I mean.

EDWARD: No--you don't understand. I don't drink human blood. I drink rats' blood. I'm a vegetarian.

BUFFY: Um, I don't think you understand the 'veggie' part of that equation.

EDWARD: It's a joke.

BUFFY: Uh-huh. All right, Bunnicula. Step away from the damsel and let's do this.

EDWARD: But Bella needs my protection! She'll hurt herself terribly if I'm not there to protect her.

BUFFY: Riiiight. Seriously, not even Riley was this lame. [SHE STEPS CLOSER.] Wait a minute. I know you. Don't we have chem lab together?

EDWARD: Yes. That's where I met the love of my life.

BUFFY: How old are you?

EDWARD: 108 years old.

BUFFY: And you still go to high school? What are you, a masochist or something?

EDWARD: I still look seventeen. I'm trying to fit in.

BUFFY: Ever heard of homeschooling? The GED? Honestly, if I was immortal I don't think I'd be too concerned about truancy.

EDWARD: Maybe I just like sharing my knowledge and experience with young people.

BUFFY: Yeah. Somehow I don't think you're at Sunnydale High to head up the Junior Achievement program. All right. Let's go.

EDWARD: Wait! I'm a lover, not a fighter!

BUFFY: Me too. But you know what they say: stakes don't kill vampires; girls with stakes kill vampires. Mr. Sparkly, meet Mr. Pointy.

BUFFY STAKES EDWARD, AND HE EXPLODES INTO DUST. THE SOUND WAKES BELLA, THE GIRL SLEEPING IN THE BED.

BELLA: Huh? What's going on?

BUFFY: Just a bad dream, sweetheart. [HANDS HER A CARD] I run a support group called Vampire-Lovers Anonymous. We meet Thursday afternoons at 4:30 in the Sunnydale High Library. Drop by sometime.

BUFFY CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW, LEAVING A BEWILDERED BELLA STARING AT THE CARD.

20 comments:

Fabricationist December 8, 2008 at 12:24 PM  

You have competition, and they use baseball.

http://www.tthfanfic.org/Story-17825/kayariley+Twilight+in+Sunnydale.htm

Alan December 8, 2008 at 12:30 PM  

I knew someone else had to have done this, but I hadn't seen that one. And she came up with the same title! Great minds think alike, I suppose... :-)

Alan December 8, 2008 at 12:50 PM  

Wait a minute--did you get that Googling "Twilight in Sunnydale?" I didn't have you going, did I?

Sara Z. December 8, 2008 at 12:51 PM  

Ha! Oh lordie, I miss Buffy.

Kristin Tubb December 8, 2008 at 3:27 PM  

Excellent! Buffy reigns supreme! ;-)

Jessica Leader,  December 8, 2008 at 10:18 PM  

Oh! Your channelling Buffy makes me miss her even more, and I love the thought of her staking that bore. Well done, sir! Well don!

TadMack December 9, 2008 at 4:33 AM  

Oh, I WISH. If I'm very quiet, can I watch her STAKE HIM????

TN-Tanuki December 16, 2008 at 4:50 PM  

You. Are. Teh. Awesome! OMGWTFBBQ! That was sooo good!

Justina December 24, 2008 at 2:47 AM  

This is so wickedly good!!

Tim Byrd January 12, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

I just want to tell you that I think this is brilliant. And I think I'd rewind and watch the staking over and over and over again... ;)

Best,

Tim Byrd
www.DocWilde.com, home of the Frogs of Doom...

Anonymous,  January 26, 2009 at 9:43 PM  

this would make an amazing movie i miss buffy soooo much this has inspired me to have a buffy maraton! fun fun fun i love the line: wow not even Riley was this lame
lmfao long live the buffster and down with edward!

meh,  April 6, 2009 at 8:54 PM  

Edward needs staking. And, the Twilight books would definitely improve with Buffy in them!

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w240/RaVengeance/My%20Stuff/small2620055.jpg

Misrule May 10, 2009 at 6:56 AM  

Only 13 comments? This is one of my favourite things in the world. I quote it all the time: "Girl's gotta have a hobby." "I don't allow Bella to have hobbies. She might get hurt." Priceless. Thanks!

Anonymous,  June 21, 2009 at 1:47 PM  

lol This is hilarious! Brilliant writing; so typically Buffy-ish! I miss Buffy :-( Best show ever!

Julia July 31, 2009 at 12:35 PM  

You just made my day. Seriously.
This is the most hilarious thing ever. If I could, I would kiss you.

Sarah September 18, 2009 at 2:46 PM  

They have some sort of... compilation... of short videos somewhere around the internets with the same pretense as this story.

Anonymous,  March 16, 2010 at 5:32 AM  

Thank-you so very much for making this. Buffy shall always rule over Edward.

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Thank you! I didn't know they picked up on it until I saw your comment.

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