Edward vs. Buffy

I was surprised to read recently that, in the spirit of such fan favorites as Aliens vs. Predators and Jason vs. Freddy, the producers of Twilight the movie and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series were in talks to combine their two franchises for a Buffy Summers/Edward Cullen showdown.

Joss Whedon shared a few pages from his spec script for the movie, given the working title Twilight in Sunnydale, with fansite Whedonesque.com, but Stephenie Meyer was so upset about the leak that she put the kibosh on the project. "I feel too sad about what has happened to continue working on Twilight in Sunnydale," she told fans on her web site, "and so it is on hold indefinitely." It's a real shame, as Twilight in Sunnydale would surely have been one of the biggest blockbusters of our era.

As a writer, I study Whedon as a grandmaster, and so I was lucky enough to download the pages he posted before Meyer's attorneys sent out their cease and desist orders. It's too much to post it all here, and I don't want to get one of those C&D letters either, but I think I can get away with a short excerpt.

From the screenplay for Twilight in Sunnydale:

Following up on the tip from Oz's werewolf contacts, Buffy climbs in the window of recent Sunnydale High transfer student BELLA SWAN to discover EDWARD CULLEN, a vampire, watching the girl as she sleeps. Edward, apparent-age 17, is impossibly beautiful, with angular features and marble-like skin that sparkles.

BUFFY: Whoa. Turn it down there, Tinkerbell.

EDWARD: Shhh! You'll wake my darling Isabella!

BUFFY: Right. Sorry. It's just you really ought to take the batteries out. Somebody might mistake you for a Christmas tree.

EDWARD: I'm sorry. It's my vampire skin. It sparkles in the sun or the bright light of the moon.

BUFFY: Uh-huh.

EDWARD: I'm serious! That's why I can't go out during the day.

BUFFY: That and the bursting into flames thing.

EDWARD: No, really. It's just the sparkle.

BUFFY: Hey, I hate to break it to you, but real vampires don't sparkle. I should know. I have the t-shirt.

EDWARD: Who are you?

BUFFY: Name's Buffy. I'm a vampire slayer. I mean, it's not who I am, or anything. It's just what I do. Girl's gotta have a hobby, you know?

EDWARD: I don't allow Bella to have hobbies. She might get hurt.

BUFFY WAVES HER STAKE AT EDWARD AND BELLA, WHO IS STILL ASLEEP.

BUFFY: So what is this, you just like to play with your food before you eat it?

EDWARD: What? Oh! No! I love Bella. I could never drink her blood! Even though it is the sweetest blood I've ever smelled...No, I just like to watch her sleep.

BUFFY: Sure. And after a little watching, there'll be the 'sucky-sucky.' Wait--scratch that. You know what I mean.

EDWARD: No--you don't understand. I don't drink human blood. I drink rats' blood. I'm a vegetarian.

BUFFY: Um, I don't think you understand the 'veggie' part of that equation.

EDWARD: It's a joke.

BUFFY: Uh-huh. All right, Bunnicula. Step away from the damsel and let's do this.

EDWARD: But Bella needs my protection! She'll hurt herself terribly if I'm not there to protect her.

BUFFY: Riiiight. Seriously, not even Riley was this lame. [SHE STEPS CLOSER.] Wait a minute. I know you. Don't we have chem lab together?

EDWARD: Yes. That's where I met the love of my life.

BUFFY: How old are you?

EDWARD: 108 years old.

BUFFY: And you still go to high school? What are you, a masochist or something?

EDWARD: I still look seventeen. I'm trying to fit in.

BUFFY: Ever heard of homeschooling? The GED? Honestly, if I was immortal I don't think I'd be too concerned about truancy.

EDWARD: Maybe I just like sharing my knowledge and experience with young people.

BUFFY: Yeah. Somehow I don't think you're at Sunnydale High to head up the Junior Achievement program. All right. Let's go.

EDWARD: Wait! I'm a lover, not a fighter!

BUFFY: Me too. But you know what they say: stakes don't kill vampires; girls with stakes kill vampires. Mr. Sparkly, meet Mr. Pointy.

BUFFY STAKES EDWARD, AND HE EXPLODES INTO DUST. THE SOUND WAKES BELLA, THE GIRL SLEEPING IN THE BED.

BELLA: Huh? What's going on?

BUFFY: Just a bad dream, sweetheart. [HANDS HER A CARD] I run a support group called Vampire-Lovers Anonymous. We meet Thursday afternoons at 4:30 in the Sunnydale High Library. Drop by sometime.

BUFFY CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW, LEAVING A BEWILDERED BELLA STARING AT THE CARD.