Sweet Home Alabama

Hi kids - your roving reporter Alan checking in from the road, where I'm on day two of a week-long library tour through the Alabaman sub-continent. Today's exotic locale: Montgomery! The tour has actually been going very well, and I have a great story I want to share with you about it--just not yet. I have photo evidence that goes with this story, and I can't bear to post about it until I can include the photo.

I have photo evidence also of tonight's top story, which I may upload next week if I can finally figure out how to get pictures off my phone. I'm not a technotard, I swear--it's just that I have somehow found a thousand better things to do with my time than to actually ever sit down and try to send a picture to myself off my phone. Or download a unique ringtone. Ah, to be sixteen again with time to burn . . .

Anyhow, before I wax too nostalgic about my acne-ridden days of yore, I must share this gem, found in the bathroom of my Holiday Inn Express hotel room. (That sounds like this is going to be worse than it is. Bear with me.)

In the corner on the counter, I found a small plastic sign. At first, I thought this was the "Forgot something? Call us and we'll send it right up." kind of thing you often see. Upon closer inspection, it was a slyly-worded warning that if you steal items from the room you will be billed for them:

Dear Guest,

Due to the popularity of our guest room Amenities (sic), our Housekeeping Department now offers these items for sale:

Irons - $40.00
Ironing Boards - $30.00
Blow Dryer - $30.00
Bath Sheets - $20.00
Bath Towels - $15.00
Hand Towels - $10.00
Face Cloths - $5.00

Each Guest Room attendant is responsible for maintaining the guest room items. Should you decide to take these articles from your room, instead of obtaining them from the Executive Housekeeper, we will assume you approve a corresponding charge to your account.

Thank You

I love this. "Due to the popularity of our guest room Amenities . . ." Har-har! In other words, "Since you idiots keep inexplicably stealing the crappy sheets, towels, and appliances, you're gonna pay for them." I love that the cheapass hair dryer in the bathroom--which is attached to the wall, I might add--will set you back thirty bucks if you manage to dislodge it. And how about that "Should you decide to take these articles from your room, instead of obtaining them from the Executive Housekeeper" bit. Does anyone seriously buy this stuff? "Oh my goodness, the texture of this face cloth is like a cheese grater. I must own a set!" And I'm assuming they meant "Bed Sheets" not "Bath Sheets," unless they are referring to the wonderful one-ply toilet paper which is, in fact, one long, continuous sheet of paper.

Needless to say, I won't be taking home any of that loot. The mini-fridge isn't listed though, so I'm assuming that's free . . .