Project Runway 5 - Episode 7 Preview

We're quickly losing our street cred here at Gratz Industries. If ever there was proof that we have no crystal ball, the guy we picked for the auf last week won. But seriously, who would have guessed that the only straight guy on the show would turn out the cutest little Anne Margaret/Love Boat outfit you ever saw a six foot tall, two hundred pound man wear? Certainly not us, but color us impressed. Congrats, Joe.

Oh, and did anyone else catch the disgusted look on third-place winner Terri's face in the waiting room backstage when Joe told her he won?

Oh no she di-n't!

Not sure if that was an eye-roll because she thought she should have won, or because she thought her friend Korto should have won, but the usually gracious Terri apparently didn't think much of Joe's work.

So, to cut ourselves a little slack, we did think Korto would be in the top two (she came in second), and we thought Daniel would be in the bottom two (he was aufed). Still, not our brightest moment in the prediction business.

Sorry, Daniel--your taste level must be too high for this show.

Daniel went home for refusing to bend. Keith stayed despite sending a run-over chicken down the runway.

Which came first, the chicken costume, or the egg Keith laid?

Jerell hit the bottom three for...what, boring the judges? Partially, although RuPaul had valid criticisms of his dress as drag. Still, was Jerell's worse than what Blayne sent down the runway? Yikes. That Blayne is still around is a testament to nothing else but numbers: there are still ten designers left. He can't survive when the numbers dwindle, can he?

Speaking of numbers, let's go to the Gratz Industries Big Board of Shame:

Kenley: 12 points (One 1st, one 2nd, one third, three safes)
Joe: 10 points (One 1st, one 3rd, four safes)
Terri: 10 points (One 2nd, two 3rds, three safes)
Korto: 9 points (One 1st, one 2nd, one 3rd, one 3rd worst, two safes)
Suede: 9 points (One 1st, five safes)
Leanne: 4 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, four safes)
Stella: 3 points (One 3rd, one 2nd worst, four safes)
Jerell: 2 points (One 2nd, two 3rd worsts, three safes)
Keith: 2 points (One 1st, one 2nd worst, one 3rd worst, three safes)
Blayne: -1 point (One 2nd worst, one 3rd worst, four safes)

------------------------------------------
Kelli: 3 points (One 1st, three safes, one auf)
Emily: -2 points (Two safes, one auf)
Wes: -3 points (One safe, one auf)
Daniel: -4 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, one 3rd worst, two safes, one auf)
Jerry: -4 points (One auf)
Jennifer: -5 points (One 2nd worst, two safes, one auf)

Scoring: Win (4 pts), 2nd place (3 pts), 3rd place (2 pts), Safe (1 pt), 3rd worst (-2 pts), 2nd worst (-3 pts), Aufed (-4 pts)

Notes of interest:

- Joe's first place win catapults him into a second place tie with Terri.
- With her third place finish last week, Terri leapfrogs "Mr. Safe" Suede.
- Korto joins Suede in third with her second place win this week.
- Keith and Jerell slide below Stella and Leanne.
- Stella, despite our standing prediction that her departure is imminent, appears to be a survivor.
- After six episodes, Daniel proves no better (or worse) than episode one aufed designer Jerry. Ouch.
- Blayne is still the worst designer on the show.

The other thing we'll mention is that there really seems to be some separation now, doesn't there? There's a big point gap between the top five designers on the list--Kenley, Joe, Terri, Korto, and Suede--and the bottom five designers on the list--Leanne, Stella, Jerell, Keith, and Blayne. This may not hold up, especially in light of our predictions for this week's episode, but it's certainly telling at this point in the season. We've seen some mediocre talent hang around pretty late before (like last four/five kind of late), but by now we think we can start legitimately talking about a final three. Barring some kind of melt down (ahem--more foreshadowing?) you could argue for any one of those five--although we're going to argue that two of those five are in trouble, starting tonight!

SPOILER ALERT: If our crappy job of predicting the winner last week isn't proof enough, we'll say it again--we don't really know what's going to happen each week. But we watch the preview videos, break them down, and report them here. If that sort of thing bothers you, go read something else.

He's building either a V-6 engine or a V-neck gown.

In a rather blunt pun, this week's episode is titled "Fashion That Drives You." Guest judge Rachel Zoe (who's getting her own show on Bravo, in which she says "major" a lot) will be asked to judge looks that, by all indications, are created out of car parts. Oh, and there's one other guest judge this week...

Oh by the way, I'm pregnant again.

That's right, season three's Laura Bennett is back. We know Laura has a lot of fans, but we're not among them. She was downright condescending to other designers in season three (particularly Kayne) and whether she was right or not about other people's taste levels, she was a real bitch for saying so to their faces. Supercilious is the word for Laura. She's a snob, and we dislike snobs. We're sure she'll make a good judge though--judging other people is what she does best. Since this is Rachel Zoe's guest judge week, we're guessing Laura is sitting in for the Nina.

As for the challenge, we smell another sponsor placement challenge. And let's see, what car company has been sponsoring Project Runway from season one? That's right--Saturn. If this isn't a Saturn tie-in, they should sue.

Project Runway Australia already did this gag in episode three with Aussie sponsor Fiat. That challenge was to take car "parts" (read: interior upholstery, wires, and decorative accessories) that were planted in the "boot" of the cars and create sporty designs from them. And one or two of the designs were actually really good. But we just know Project Runway USA won't do anything so serene as hand the designers their materials. They'll no doubt have to run across the car park and fight each other tooth and nail for the goods. And remember that clip of Keith, pushing some kind of shopping cart with all kinds of junk in it, the clip Bravo couldn't get enough of at the start of the season?

Run, Forrest, run!

Yes, that one. That's from this episode--Keith is wearing the exact same thing in the preview video. Perhaps Saturn will have a deconstructed car (or cars), and the designers will have to fight over the parts. And these really do look like parts, not just upholstery and trim. Although a lot of the designers do end up with black vinyl, making us wonder if we're in for another "I'm disappointed in all of you for taking the easy way out" lecture from Tim Gunn.

Blayne is shown busting up a rear-view mirror. Joe has a row of engine parts laid out. Kenley is trying to tear some gizmo apart. Meanwhile, Leanne gets an "I worry that you're not taking this far enough" from Tim. The key word this episode seems to be "innovation." (We also won't be surprised to hear someone utter Saturn's current tag line, "Rethink design.") Across the workroom, Kenley is having trouble with this assignment, while Keith talks to Tim about refining his look. Later, in a priceless moment, Keith gets mad at his model for failing to hem the skirt he gave her to finish. Um, Earth to Keith, you're the maker, not your model. We've seen plenty of models pitch in and help (and we get the idea that this happens way more than we see on TV) but any and all help from the models is icing, Keith. It's a bonus. It's not something you should expect--or count on.

Will the mystery Mormon please check in?

Five designers are shown on the runway at the end: Suede, Joe, Kenley, Terri, and Leanne. Assuming they keep six again, that leaves one mystery designer to be accounted for, but we have a good idea that it's Keith, based on something Michael Kors says: "I think in this instance, you reined yourself in." That comment would certainly fit with Keith, especially if he follows up on that discussion with Tim by editing his work a little. His bottom two finish last week certainly seems to put the fear of the Mormon God in him.

Beyond knowing who's left at the end, there aren't a lot of clues as to who's on top and who's on the bottom--except for a quick snippet of criticism from Laura B., directed at the right side of the stage. That just happens to be where Kenley is standing. She's already shown how much trouble this challenge is giving her, and, perhaps most damning of all, she is getting a lot of behind the scenes face time in the preview videos. That's often a good sign that someone is getting the infamous "loser edit."

It's a fine line between Ann Margaret and Fat Elvis.

Based solely on the Big Board of Shame, Kenley, Joe, and Terri would seem to be shoe-ins for the top three spots this week. All three are kept behind for comments from the judges. But as we know, this is Bizarro season, and we think in fact that two of these three designers are in the bottom three. Kenley looks like a lock. The other person we're putting there is Joe. Joe's "hide the candy belt" ensemble last week was sensational, but we're still not sold on him as a designer. Consider: although he put together a fab outfit last week, it was Varla Jean who had to suggest lowering the Elvis collar and making it into a sailor theme. Where might that outfit have fallen if it had been Joe's original vision? It's that kind of question that haunts us. (Yes, haunts us!) Yes, Joe takes criticism well, and he listens to other people--particularly Tim and his clients. But what happens when Joe is left to his own devices?

Joe has immunity from last week's win, so he's not going anywhere. But we think he's going to hit the bottom three this week. Call it a gut feeling. (We also think he might be the person to whom Heidi's bizarre "You know this means you'll have seven years of no sex!" comment is directed--perhaps because he uses broken mirrors in some way? We think she meant "seven years of bad luck," although we'd have to agree that seven years of no sex is bad luck.)

Rounding out the bottom three then has to be Leanne, who is also having trouble with this challenge. Her problem in the workroom (at least according to Tim) seems to be that she's not pushing things far enough, and we have to wonder if Kors wasn't right the other week when he wondered if Leanne's begun to question who she is as a designer. She might be "designing scared," still reeling from the beatdown she took in the "green" episode where Wes took her bullet. That black dress she made for "Bright Lights, Big City," was really stunning--one of the few such pieces from any designer this season--so we think she has it in her to be great. She just has to find a happy medium between too outlandish and too conservative.

If we're right about the bottom three, that leaves Suede, Terri, and Keith in the top. There is very little to go on here. We haven't seen any of these designer's outfits, and we're totally guessing that Keith is even in the picture. But we feel pretty confident we're going to see both Suede and Terri in the finals, and both designers have proven flexible in odd challenges before. (See Suede's "green" challenge dress, and Terri's supermarket mop-top, and over the top drag queen outfit.)

Is Terri packing balls or vajayjay?

Terri's the only one of those three designers without a first place finish, and we think she's due. We've got Terri for the win. Just guessing, we think Suede will come in second, with Keith finishing third. (Perhaps his model's poor sewing knocks him down a bit.)

Aloha also means goodbye.

As for the losers' bracket, we think Joe will be sent off first, as he has immunity, leaving Leanne and Kenley on the chopping block. Leanne's look will lack innovation, but Kenley's will just be a hot mess, and we think Kenley will be aufed. Based on the heaps of hate poured on poor Kenley in the comments on just about every Project Runway blog we read, there will be great rejoicing. Yes, Kenley is in first place overall on our Big Board of Shame, but as we said before, this is Bizarro season. If she goes this week, she'll be the strongest designer by far to be aufed.

For Fafarazzi, we're going to put our money where our mouths are and pick all three of the designers we think will be in the top three this week. If nothing else, choosing Keith will be good for some bleeps, as the Stormin' Mormon appears to be getting a bit tetchy. Suede's usually good for a bleep or two as well, and of course we hope to drag a six point win out of Terri. We dropped to third place overall with our botched Joe pick this past week (seriously, who picked Joe to win that one!?) so we're more vulnerable than ever.

Fafarazzi also has a new "Duel" feature, posing eternal questions like "Who's hotter...?" and "Who is the most scandalous...?" For Project Runway, they not only have a "Who will win?" duel, pitting a series of random remaining contestants against each other, but they also have "Who's design was better...?" duels after every episode. It's an interesting exercise in seeing how your opinions about the designers and their outfits measure up to the collective zeitgeist.

Good luck to fans and designers alike. We'll see you on the runway!

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Oma gosh, Omaha!

Last week marked my first school event of the season--and it was my farthest afield to date: Omaha, Nebraska! It was also my first ever trip to the Cornhusker State. I amused one of the faculty there when I was able to count on one hand the number of times I've even been across the Mississippi River. (For the record, it is now five times.)

My trip began on Wednesday, with one of the longest days I've ever spent "flying." And by flying, of course, I mean missing flights and sitting in airports all day long. Really, I can't remember the last time I had a completely smooth airline trip. I would quit flying all together if I could, but really, what option is there? It's not like I was going to drive to Omaha, and trains are actually more expensive. (And take longer.) We're a jet-set nation, and we're at the mercy of the airlines. And the inane TSA regulations. But I won't get into that here.

My first flight, from Asheville, North Carolina to Atlanta, Georgia, was supposed to leave at 11 a.m. But when the plane landed, they found a "white liquid" on the propellers, and had to call in a mechanic to take a look. The problem: there is no mechanic on duty at the Asheville airport. You read that right--an airport without a single certified airplane mechanic. A local mechanic had to be called--but he couldn't be reached. So the airline flew a mechanic in from Atlanta. (Yes, again, you read that right.)

I sat and waited to fly to Atlanta while the airline flew in a mechanic from Atlanta to check out our mysterious white substance which, upon review, turned out to be the cleaning liquid squirted into the engine at the last point of departure. How do I know this? Because I sat next to the mechanic on the airplane when we finally took off for Atlanta. That's what this guy does--flies out to regional airports to fix planes.

And the airlines can't figure out why they are burning money like jet fuel.

So of course, I missed my original connecting flight from Atlanta to Omaha. My new connecting flight, one of only two flights left that went to Omaha that day, took off half an hour after my scheduled arrival in Atlanta, and the Asheville gate agent assured me I'd make it. This was important, because I was told the later flight to Omaha that evening was all booked up. My other option was to wait in Asheville for an eight o'clock flight to Cincinnati, connecting to Omaha, but that was risky--if I waited that late and something went wrong (perish the thought!) I'd be totally screwed for making Omaha that day. I haven't missed a school event yet, and I didn't want to start. So I took the flight to Atlanta.

We landed right on time, but because Hartsfield International Airport in Atlanta is located on the Seventh Circle of Hell, it took us a full fifteen minutes to taxi to our gate. That left me with ten minutes to sprint from my gate in Concourse D to the Omaha flight's gate in Concourse A, and though I am woefully out of shape and constitutionally opposed to any kind of running, I gave it the old college try. It was all for naught, of course, because the doors had already closed. The plane was still on the ground beyond the gate, but that didn't matter. Rules are rules.

It is moments like this when I wish I could shoot laser beams from my eyes.

As I contemplated how long a drive it would be from Atlanta to Omaha (15.5 hours, for the record) the gate agent told me there were still plenty of seats on the later flight, and she could put me on it. Why then, I pondered through gasping breaths, had I made like Pheidippides? I might as well have asked a rabbit why it zig zags in front of a car rather than just running off the road. Assured that I had a flight to Omaha at eight o'clock (assuming, of course, the plane actually left the ground) I went to forage for over-priced, under-cooked fast food.

I arrived in Omaha, Nebraska at 10:30 p.m. eastern time (9:30 local time), making it fourteen hours since I had left home that morning for the Asheville airport, and just beating the sixteen and a half hours it would have taken me to drive to Omaha from my home. Skipping out on the oma-izzle of Omaha's nightlife, I opted instead for the second-showing of this week's new Project Runway on Bravo, then passed out in bed.

The event, at all-boy private Jesuit school Creighton Prep, was a blast, and went off without a hitch. Samurai Shortstop was the high school's all-grades summer reading book, and from everything I heard it was a hit with the boys at Prep. The guys had great questions throughout the day, and I signed a lot of books. The students and faculty at Prep were terrific hosts, and it was an honor to be the author of the book they all read together this year.

After the school day was finished, Matthew, one of the Creighton Prep English faculty, gave me a brief driving tour of Omaha, which was most welcome, as all I had really seen of it had been a quick night drive to the hotel and a sleepy, gray five-minute drive to the school in the morning. Omaha is a great city, with a lot going on. I saw a vibrant downtown, Rosenblatt Stadium (annual home of the NCAA College World Series), a totally Silent Running domed biosphere at the Henry Doorly Zoo, a neat riverfront area on the Missouri with a groovy-looking (and controversial) pedestrian bridge, and a tree-lined neighborhood where Warren Buffett lives. I even visited Iowa on this trip, briefly, as the drive to the airport cut through Council Bluffs.

All in all, a great trip--airport troubles be damned. And now I'll have something else to remember Nebraska for besides Peyton Manning and the Tennessee Vols losing to Nebraska in the 1998 Orange Bowl. Not that I'm still bitter.

*The pics were scanned from the Omaha visitors guide I found in my hotel room. I couldn't resist.

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Google Alerts Round-up

I wouldn't be so vain as to have my name set up as a Google Alert, now would I? Of course not. I just--ahem--happened to stumble across these blogs while I was surfing the web for educational content. Yes. That's it...

My Horatio Wilkes novels are one of three mystery series recommended by BookKids.

Have Books Will Travel is enjoying Something Rotten.

Merry Genre Go Round Reviews agrees with my mother that Something Wicked is fun, but doesn't need all those bad words in it.

And On Books and Birds says Something Rotten is one of fifteen books nominated this year for the Missouri Association of School Librarians' Gateway Readers Award.

Thanks everyone!

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Project Runway 5 - Episode 6 Preview

Boy oh boy, did we miss a call last week. Yes, we guessed Kelli's aufing right, and we had Keith second, not first, but we dropped the ball on Blayne and Jerell. Lo and behold, Team Jerell and Stella (henceforth Jerella) didn't combust, they combined to produce something really terrific. We were stunned, frankly, when Ms. Shields named Keith the winner over Jerell. (Tim's Take revealed that Brooke really really really hated that belt. But still!) Not that Keith and Kenley's dress wasn't pretty darn good too.

He's a little bit country, she's a little bit rock and roll.

So we owe a big apology to Jerell. Not only did he rein it in this week, he proved himself a true gentleman the way he handled getting Stella. He was gracious when she was the last person in the assistant pool, he was awesome about setting her a task she could succeed at, and he stood by her--with his arm around her no less!--as a true partner when Tim came around. Jerell earned big style points with us this week. We're still a little nervous about what he might send down the runway next, but he's a true gentleman in our book.

Dude. Skin tight Bermuda shorts and cleavage down to her belly-button just screams boardroom.

The other person who won big style points for us--personality-wise, certainly not fashion-wise--is Blayne. Yes, we too are over blank-licious, and this week it looks like it gets worse before it gets better. But when that boy sent that wind-swept blind bike-courier ensemble down the runway, he stood by it. He told them he was taking a chance, got rightly called out by Kors for not taking it further, and gave the only answer he should have given as a team leader when asked who should go home for his outfit: himself. He even held his chin high when it was down to him and Kelli, and we get the feeling he was ready to go home and ready to stay, both on his own terms. Kudos, Blayne. +1 for respect points.

BFFs--until Heidi asks which one should be out.

Kelli on the other hand...wow. Way to throw your partner under the bus! Hey, let's ignore the fact that the fashion disaster that earned a "slutty, slutty, slutty" from Kors was your design. Yes, someone who is routinely on the bottom may become an inevitable aufing at some point, the same way a baseball umpire doesn't call an obvious strike for a pitcher who's been all around the plate for five innings, but it's still always about the worst outfit on the runway at that moment. Whether Kelli's or Blayne's was worse is certainly debatable--but offering up Daniel's track record into evidence was just low down and dirty! And he was your assistant! -1 in respect points, honey. (And hey, who came in a close second the week you won, Kelli? Daniel. We're just saying...)

So Keith and Jerell break out of the basement, while Daniel and Blayne sink farther into the abyss. Let's go to the Gratz Industries Big Board of Shame!

Kenley: 11 points (One 1st, one 2nd, one third, two safes)
Suede: 8 points (One 1st, four safes)
Terri: 8 points (One 2nd, one 3rd, three safes)
Korto: 6 points (One 1st, one 3rd, one 3rd worst, two safes)
Joe: 6 points (One 3rd, four safes)
Keith: 5 points (One 1st, One 3rd worst, three safes)
Jerell: 4 points (One 2nd, One 3rd worst, three safes)
Leanne: 3 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, three safes)
Stella: 2 points (One 3rd, one 2nd worst, three safes)
Daniel: 0 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, one 3rd worst, two safes)
Blayne: -2 points (One 2nd worst, one 3rd worst, three safes)

------------------------------------------
Kelli: 3 points (One 1st, three safes, one auf)
Emily: -2 points (Two safes, one auf)
Wes: -3 points (One safe, one auf)
Jerry: -4 points (One auf)
Jennifer: -5 points (One 2nd worst, two safes, one auf)

Scoring: Win (4 pts), 2nd place (3 pts), 3rd place (2 pts), Safe (1 pt), 3rd worst (-2 pts), 2nd worst (-3 pts), Aufed (-4 pts)

For the purposes of this week's scoring, we gave third place to Kenley, as she was the assistant on the winning team. Similarly, we gave 3rd worst to Daniel for being the assistant on the losing team. That means that though both Stella and Leanne, while on a top two team and bottom two team, respectively, each got a +1 "safe" from us this week. (And honestly, Stella made a belt and Leanne was just the assistant on Blayne's "vision." Neither deserves too much credit or blame.)

Notes of interest:
- Daniel continues his spiral downward. He now shares the basement with Blayne, who is our only contestant currently in negative figures.
- Blayne is also the only designer left who has never made the top three for any challenge.
- Keith and Jerell leapfrog the stragglers into low mid-table standings.
- Suede, Terri, Korto, and Joe hold steady, all with safeties, while Kenley slightly strengthens her lead.
- Korto and Daniel now share the "Doesn't Play It Safe" Award with only two "safes" each.
- Suede and Joe make the "Safety Patrol" this week with four free passes apiece.
- Kelli becomes the first aufed designer to survive with positive points, qualifying her for the dubious title of "Most Talented Designer Kicked Off This Season."

Just looking at the table, Blayne and Daniel appear the most vulnerable. Hmm, I wonder if that's a good segue into this week's preview?

SPOILER WARNING: As always, we have no real knowledge of who's going to win and who's going to lose (ahem--see last week's Blayne kerfuffle) but we sure like to make guesses. We also talk a lot about the challenge and the guest judge, so if you're not fond of such things, stop reading now.


This week promises to be a fun challenge, if not necessarily the most fashion-forward one. "Good Queen Fun" features the return of Chris March (yay Chris!) in his Brünnehilde costume--four-foot tall horns, disco ball brassiere, and all. (Seriously, those horns start over Heidi's head, and she's no dwarf.) Poor Chris doesn't appear to be able to move his head much under that helmet, but he's able to tell the designers that their challenge this week will be to dress some drag queen friends of his.

The girls are brought out on stage and introduce themselves. They have names like Farrah Moans, Miss Understood, Hedda Lettuce, and Sharon Needles, and each of them, need we say it, is pretty well so over the top that all you can see beyond the rim are their bouffant hairdos. Let's just hope that Terri doesn't question what these ladies are packing, as she did of Suede last episode.

This girl gives good head.

The designers' reactions range from giggly (Kenley, of course), to tongue-licky (Terri), to open-mouth bassy (Daniel). It's clear from the start that many of the designers are quaking in their boots. Worse, Heidi has Ye Olde Velveteen Bag, which probably means that she's going to (gasp!) randomly assign designers to the drag queens, the same way the models were chosen in last season's Weight Loss Makeover episode. Last season, no one wanted the wedding dress. This season, I suspect no one wants Acid Betty:

Acid Betty supports the right to bear arms.

But the queen they'll be glad not to have is Hedda Lettuce, who gets paired up with Suede. Yes, we know, Suede talks about himself in the third person too often. But we like Suede. For all his reality show posturing, he seems like a really nice guy underneath, and a fair designer to boot. We're just going on record now as saying we think Suede will be with us for a long time yet, and that by the end we'll all be pulling for him.

That said, Suede totally gets the shaft this episode. Hedda puts him through the ringer, making him add sleeves, lengthen sleeves, remove gloves. Putting dressing on this lettuce is going to make Suede wish for the salad days of his episode two win. (Sorry. Had to do it.) Still, foremost among Suede's talents is tenacity, so we figure this is just good TV, not foreshadowing.

Lettuce remember the aforementioned "salad days."

Otherwise, the preview videos are heavy on the drag queens, and on Blayne's "-licious"ness. Is Blayne getting a loser's edit? Well, his is one of the outfits we do see, and we hear Tim's take on it too: "It's like a gay Jurassic Park." And yeah, it is pretty hideous. But this week is all about being over the top and theatrical. Will this hot tranny mess get a pass!?

We only see four designers on the runway clips. We know there will be six held back, so that's two we're going to have to completely guess on. Those we do know get held back are Jerell, Daniel, Korto, and Joe. Wow. Now there's a mixed bag for you!

The easiest limb to go out on this week is to say that Daniel will have difficulty with this challenge. Daniel has falling in terminal descent for the past couple of weeks. After a second place showing in week one and then two safeties in a row, Daniel has hit the skids: almost getting aufed for his "Republic of Cocktailland" dress in week four, and having to once again defend his "impeccable taste" with a bottom-two team finish in week five. The boy looks like he could use some Peptol. And doesn't it also look like he's constantly having an internal dialogue with himself on the runway? We think it must go something like this:

Daniel: I--I don't understand how I'm on the bottom again.
Daniel: I know. You have impeccable taste.
Daniel: I know. You do too.
Daniel: Thank you. I just--I don't do this kind of thing.
Daniel: Me either. Wait, is Kelli throwing me under the bus...?

In some great preview screengrabs over at the brand new "Inside a High Schooler" blog, you can see Daniel's dress. Our fellow prognosticator has it listed as Joe's dress, but we're pretty sure it's Daniel's--that's him wearing the brown pants and tan shirt from the model selection shots. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Daniel's dress is just...a nice dress. There's nothing particularly over the top or theatrical about it, which makes us think that the comments in the previews from Heidi about wanting to see something more "theatrical" are aimed at Daniel. He's also making excuses about not wanting to send something out that looks Vegas or Cirque du Soleil. Cue the ominous bell music...

The other call that screams to be made is Blayne on the bottom. The image from last week's episode-ending preview--of a hot pink and teal mess, with tasseled wings--is truly ghastly. Will this finally be the uglicious that send Blayne home and ends our long national nightmare? Difficult to say.

"Joe, I'm sorry, but there's a limit on how many episodes straight male designers are allowed to stick around, and you've reached it, my friend."

We need one more victim to round out our three bottom-feeders, and this week we're going to go with Joe. First, if Joe thinks there have been a lot of queens around in the past stirring up the drama, we fear his head might explode when all those big ladies storm the workroom. Second, well, we just haven't been all that impressed with Joe's outfits so far. We know he has his fans out there, but we think he's, well, a pretty Average Joe. He's been skating by with some lackluster stuff, and now that the cast is dwindling he's going to be more exposed.

Third, and perhaps most important, of all the outfits we can see in the previews, Joe's is the one we never see best. By process of elimination, we think it's a hot pink suit with a kind of pillbox-looking hat that disappears off the screen right as Tim is calling all the models and designers to the runway. It looks to us like this might be the dress Kors is having himself a hearty laugh over, declaring it "a bar mitzvah moment," or "something my aunt would wear." Just a shot in the dark here, but if that's Joe's dress he's talking about, Joe's in trouble.

So on to our guesses for top three. We know Jerell and Korto are there. Can Jerell put together a second top three design in a row? You know what? We'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Jerell has shown the ability to edit, to produce what's called for, and be gracious under fire. We can plainly see his dress in a couple of the shots--a green and brown number. No idea who he's designing for, or whether it's over the top or not, but whether we're right or wrong, we're pretty sure there's going to be uglier stuff walking down that runway this week.

As for Korto, it looks like she's the designer behind the big, and we mean big, poofy red dress a large and in-charge blond drag queen is wearing on the way to the runway. Korto's told us before she likes to design for women with curves, and boy do these girls have curves. As long as that big poofy red dress fits the drag queen's character, we see Korto drawing raves.

What? Me again? Awwwww, you guys!

Which of course leaves us trying to guess which unpictured designer joins the winning threesome. Well, judging just by glimpses of things in the runway, it probably comes as no surprise that Kenley has put together something with the potential to win. It's certainly over the top and theatrical--her model is wearing a white gown with huge white plumes of feathers sticking up out of the back. If Kenley lucks out and gets the woman who wanted Hollywood glamor, Kenley might just take home another win.

So here's who we think guest judge RuPaul will be complimenting and dissing this week:

Top three: Korto, Jerell, Kenley
Bottom three: Daniel, Blayne, Joe

For the tops, let's say that Jerell gets third place, Korto gets a "good job, Korto, you're in," and we'll take Kenley for the win.

As to the bottom three, we think Blayne will be sent off first. (His is, at least, over the top.) That will leave Joe and Daniel on the runway to sweat it out. This will be a tough one. Does Daniel go home for a relatively simple but "tasteful" dress, or does Joe go home for making his Drag Queen into a Bar Mitzvah mother? The second sounds more egregious, and we think it will be Average Joe who gets sent home in a shocker.

For those of you playing Fafarrazi, our mix-up with Jerell and Blayne last week has left us vulnerable. It's time for you to move in for the kill! Suede seems like a very good play this week, as he has trouble with his model, curses a few times, and doesn't appear to be out. (Bear in mind that we're totally guessing on those other two designers who aren't shown though!) Stella looks to be safe again this week, so you could always bet on her laying down a few bleeps. The real points though, as always, are in picking the winners. Here's hoping your guesses are better than ours this week!

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Firefly or Tardis: Naming our new car

We finally had to do it. It's been more than twelve years since either of us bought a car, but it was time to add a new vehicle to the Gratz Industries corporate fleet. And here it is:

A 2008 Subaru Forester. We bought it used, for what we think (based on comparison shopping) was a pretty good deal. And it only has 13K miles on it, so it's still well under warranty. It is also shiny.

As all great cars do, this one needs a name. For years now, we've had "The Jeep" and "The white car." We still have "The white car," but while it's a good, reliable car, it doesn't really deserve a better name. This one, as noted, is shiny. And new. It also inspires the very odd sensation of feeling small on the outside and bigger on the inside. Thus, our first inclination was to call it "The Tardis," which fans of Doctor Who will instantly understand. The problem? It doesn't look very Tardis-y, particularly as the Tardis is blue, and our shiny new car is gold. (Perhaps not the color we would have chosen, but for us the good price trumped the paint job.)

Instead, Wendi had the idea to call it "Firefly," after the ship in Joss Whedon's sci-fi/western of the same name:

Wendi also points out that the Forester has all kinds of hidden compartments for smuggling things in, which fits perfectly with a Firefly.

More properly, we suppose, it should be called "Serenity," which is the name of the ship in the show; "Firefly" is just the class of ship. But we like the sound of Firefly better. Besides, we can say, "Let's take the Firefly," and it still works.

And it is shiny.

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Project Runway 5 - Episode 5 Preview

Wonder twin powers, activate! Yes, kids, it's time for our first team episode of the season. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. First, a big congratulations to Korto, who booked her first win. We liked Terri's blazer ensemble better, but we thought both "fit the brief," as they say on Project Runway Australia. (Which you should be watching on YouTube if you aren't already!) Joe's fit the bill too, but was a little too literal for our tastes. ("See? It says USA right there on the elongated skort! So you know they're American! I mean, red, white and blue could mean French, right?")

Shazam!

For Terri, it was her second top-three finish in a row, though she's yet to take home the gold. For Jennifer, it was Bridge on the River Dowdy, and she fell right onto the plunger with her gold and white striped skirt/junior miss sweater ensemble. Seriously, does no one watch the Olympics' opening ceremonies anymore?

And while we're at it, we have to point out that the three designers at the bottom should have had a lot more company. The challenge this week for the judges wasn't to pick a top three--Korto, Terri, and Joe got those positions by default. The real trick was trying to decide which three of the seven or eight fashion disasters walking down that runway deserved special attention. There was a lot of fugly walking down that runway last week, kids. Did the judges have their eyes closed for Stella's black "hello belly-button!" bike wreck? Or Keith's bubble skirt rehash? Or Kelli's Miss Des Moines County Fair outfit? Kenley's totally inappropriate, more-purple-than-Daniel's-dress plaid skirt? In our considered opinion, this was, collectively, the single ugliest runway show in Project Runway history. (Perhaps rivaled only by last season's menswear fiasco.)

"Why is my designer doing a different challenge than everybody else?"

But enough of the designers' shame. Let's talk about us! Last week was a bit of a milestone for us here at Gratz Industries--it was the first time this season we called both the winner and the loser correctly! Sure, we had Terri and Jerell flip-flopped, but no harm/no foul there.

For those keeping score at home, here's the Gratz Industries PR Season 5 Big Board of Shame:

Kenley: 9 points (One 1st, one 2nd, two safes)
Suede: 7 points (One 1st, three safes)
Kelli: 7 points (One 1st, three safes)
Terri: 7 points (One 2nd, one 3rd, two safes)
Korto: 5 points (One 1st, one 3rd, one 3rd worst, one safe)
Joe: 5 points (One 3rd, three safes)
Leanne: 2 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, two safes)
Daniel: 2 points (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, two safes)
Stella: 1 point (One 3rd, one 2nd worst, two safes)
Blayne: 1 point (One 3rd worst, three safes)
Keith: 1 point (One 3rd worst, three safes)
Jerell: 1 points (One 3rd worst, three safes)

------------------------------------------
Emily: -2 points (Two safes, one auf)
Wes: -3 points (One safe, one auf)
Jerry: -4 points (One auf)
Jennifer: -5 points (One 2nd worst, two safes, one auf)

Scoring: Win (4 pts), 2nd place (3 pts), 3rd place (2 pts), Safe (1 pt), 3rd worst (-2 pts), 2nd worst (-3 pts), Aufed (-4 pts)

Notes of interest this week:
- Daniel remains in fourth place in points, although he's much closer now to the bottom than the top.
- Terri moves up from fifth into a three-way tie for second.
- Korto makes a big jump from ninth to a tie for third. Korto is also the only person not to be safe twice. Let's give her the "Doesn't Play It Safe Award."
- Meanwhile, Joe, Blayne, Keith, and Jerell have all had three safes apiece. Let's call them "The Safety Patrol."
- Statistically, Kelli and Suede are identical contestants, as are, oddly, Leanne and Daniel. Blayne, Keith, and Jerell are also triplets.
- Stella is statistically and logically impossible to explain.

And why do we even bother giving negative points for aufings, I hear you ask? Well, every season somebody goes and we say, "No, Heidi, no! He/She was too talented to go this soon!" So this time, we thought we'd quantify that. When these designers earn Big Board of Shame points, they get to keep them. So let's say, oh, Kelli gets aufed this week. (Ooh, foreshadowing!) She's built up 7 points. Take away 4 for being aufed, and with +3 points she clearly becomes the best of the aufed designers. Yes, our system rewards those who stick around the longest, but we think tenacity is worth something. It also makes aufings like Jennifer's very telling: the frumpy frocker was already in negative territory when she was aufed, so she actually hits the list below first episode loser Jerry. Ouch.

Okay. So, drunk off our early-season success, we stumble giddily into a brave new week of predictions. SPOILER ALERT: Semi-educated guesses and Bravo.com publicity info to follow this picture of Jerell:

"I fear I am not long for this world."

This week's episode is called "Welcome to the Jungle," and guest stars actress and model Brooke Shields. We're assuming the title isn't a nod to rockers Guns N' Roses, but instead to Shields' latest television effort, Lipstick Jungle, a Sex and the City knock-off show based on the Candice Bushnell Sex and the City knock-off book of the same name. From something Brooke says in the preview clips, we're also guessing this is another "create a look that can go from day to night," ala the Banana Republic "Window Shopping" episode from Season Two. This episode will also be reminiscent of the many other episodes where designers are called in one by one to pitch their designs. And you know what this means...

Will these two be friends after Kenley laughs at Daniel on the runway this week? Oh, the drama!

Oh yes, our first team challenge of the season. This one feels like it's coming along at just the right time. Personally, we'd love to see two people go this episode to thin the herd, but alas, if Heidi's voice in the preview videos is to be believed, "one of you will be named the winner, and one of you...will be out." Sounds like another single elimination to us.

So here's how the teams appear to break down, with the team leaders bolded:

Terri and Suede
Kelli and Daniel
Keith and Kenley
Blayne and Leanne
Korto and Joe
Jerell and Stella (!!!)

Two of these pairings don't appear during the post-runway show grilling: Korto and Joe, and Terri and Suede. We're counting all four as safe this week--and Korto, remember, has immunity. If you're playing Fafarazzi and are looking for a safe pick or two, one of these four should suffice. And it sounds like Korto and Joe don't get along so well. At one point, Korto says, "I'm going to turn him in, and it's going to get ugly." Is she talking about Joe, or someone else? There's no real evidence it turns into a point-worthy argument, but interesting nonetheless.

So how do the other eight shake out? For this, we're going on the positioning of the teams on the runway and the direction of the judges' looks when delivering their mashed up commentary. Not an easy task, but that never stopped us before!

"Leopard print says 'klassy.'"

Kelli, it appears, takes the "Lipstick Jungle" thing very literally and pitches a black and leopard-print dress--not unlike what she's wearing as she sews the thing. We're matching that dress up with Michael Kors' dreaded, "Slutty, slutty, slutty!" comment. Not a good thing for team Kelli and Daniel. Daniel is also seen, in two separate clips, getting defensive about his personal taste. No doubt he's trying to distance himself from the slutty, slutty, slutty leopard-print dress he's standing next to.

The other team that seems to be taking it on the chin is the pairing of Jerell and Stella. Yes, raise your hand if that comes as a surprise to you. This should be the absolute palm-to-forehead team-up of the night. Jerell, with his totally left-field designs, matched up with Stella and her "leatha" aesthetic. This is one of those pairings where you almost wish they just trained the camera on them for the entire show so you could sit and eat popcorn and watch the train wreck of a dress that emerges. Between the two of them, we're expecting some seriously messed-up ugly. Brooke says, "there's a lot going on." Yeah, we're pretty sure that's a Jerell original she's talking about...

Which leaves...gasp and clutch the pearls...Blayne and Leanne as one of the top two teams. Truly, this is the end of the world-licious. While we see Blayne as one of the weakest designers left, his Bermuda short ensemble (wtf!?) seems to strike a chord with Brooke, who says it has a "mixture in texture perfect for day into night." Hmm. Perhaps Leanne has some kind of mitigating influence on the young provocateur? One shudders to think.

Meanwhile, another unlikely pairing, Keith and Kenley, are, by default, among the top two. We hear almost nothing said to them on the runway (at least nothing we can be sure is being said to them) but we do see some of their struggles with fabric at Mood and in the workroom. At Mood, Tim encourages Kenley to keep looking for different fabric, and in the workroom he comes to the rescue again, vetoing some conflicting prints Kenley's been pushing for. Are Keith and Kenley the darkhorse designers here, the ones who will finally come between Brooke Shields and her Calvins?

Nah, we're just building the tension. We've got Blayne for the win. Since we see Keith as the leader of his team, that means he'll most likely get second place this week. It's unclear whether we'll know who gets third place for sure, but we figure Leanne has the inside track for being on the winning team.

And just as the team leaders are the ones always in line for the win, team leaders are also the ones always in line for the auf. That means Kelli and Jerell are in jeopardy this week, and will be standing on the runway together at the end. We have a sneaking suspicion that Kelli and Daniel turn in a hot slutty mess that trumps Jerell and Stella's biker-chic hodge-podge, so we're picking Kelli for the auf. It'll be the earliest exit for a week one winner yet, but this is, after all, Bizarro season.

If 3rd worst points are awarded, they will probably go to Daniel, for being a part of the monstrosity he and Kelli create. If that's true, Daniel is officially on notice: adapt your "impeccable taste" better to the challenges, or enjoy your impeccable taste at home with Wes while three other designers present their collections at Bryant Park. Ditto for Jerell and Stella, although we see far less hope with either of them...

Team Gratz is second place overall over at Fafarazzi this season. Unbelievable! This week we think we'll go with both of the potential winners--Blayne and Keith--while picking a safe third. We always recommend Suede: he always gets a ton of face time, and he'll occasionally drop an f-bomb that earns you a point. Korto is the other failsafe play, especially as she has immunity--and there may be an argument in there with another designer, which is good points. Stella, while always good for a few +1 bleeps, is a permanently high-risk/high-reward play...

Good luck to designers and fans alike. We'll see you on the runway!

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Jo Quote of the Day

"If you smell a poopy smell, it's because I just farted."

- Jo Gratz, Age 5 years and 364 days.

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Project Runway 5 - Episode 4 Preview

Hail, Olympians, and welcome to a new week of Project Runway predictions here at Gratz Industries. We have to say, we're feeling pretty smug right now. For three weeks in a row, the designers we've picked to win have come in second. Every. Single. Time. Sure, we're trying to pick the winner, but getting that close makes us feel like we're doing something right. As for the aufed designers, well, we finally got one right last week. Say goodbye, Emily.

Carmen Miranda indeed. Was it worse than Jennifer's dowdy clockwork dress? Again, hard to say. We didn't have Jennifer anywhere near our bottom three, but then we had no clue who would be filling out the last third of the loser bracket. Keith's dress was a hot mess though (to coin a phrase), but we've certainly seen worse.

Terri made her first top three appearance last week, and despite getting absolute raves from guest judge Sandra Bernhard, all Terri got was a "you're in" and third place. Kors and Nina must really have liked Kenley's and Leanne's dresses a lot more, because we've seen the guest judges hold serious sway over the outcome of a competition. (Hel-lo. Santino surviving with that hideous jumpsuit he made for Kara Janx?) Here at Gratz Industries, we thought Leanne's black dress was pretty stellar, and we have to admit we were stunned when Kenley took home the prize for this:

Mork calling Orson, come in 1982! This is your fashion flashback! Somebody page Cyndi Lauper! But last week is bygones. We're here to talk about this week, right? Well, this week is when our smug hits the fan. Yes, we know which six designers will be left on the runway at the end, but we haven't a clue as to who's in the top three and who's in the bottom three.

SPOILER ALERT: Once again, we don't have any prior knowledge of what's to come, other than the guest judge, a vague idea about the competition, and the Bravo videos. If you like to be surprised, here's some recommended reading to tide you over until showtime.

This week, Olympic gold medal speed skater Apolo Ohno guest stars as the designers are given the task of...what? Designing speed skating unis? Doubtful. Those bodysuits the speed skaters wear aren't exactly the same as what figure skaters wear. For starters: no sequins. A "design Apolo's speed skating uniform" challenge would just be too boring.

Not too boring, however, might be to design the outfits the Olympic athletes wear in the opening ceremonies. You've seen this: seemingly endless athletes marching in a circle, lots of dancers with feathers and fans, laser shows, fireworks, rousing orchestral movements, then somebody lights the Olympic flame with a bow and arrow or a wombat or something. And as you watch, you think, "What in Gunn's name are the American athletes wearing!?" Tonight, we think, that question will be answered.

In the preview videos, we can see six designers kept behind for questioning: Jennifer, Terri, Korto, Daniel, Joe, and Jerell. Someone is told his or her design doesn't fit the challenge at all. Someone else is being taunted as having created something for "the Republic of Cocktail Land." (Good one, Kors.) Beyond that and a few glimpses of shoulders, we have precious few clues as to who is who.

For an interesting exercise in expectations, consider at the following:

Episode One Top Three - Kelli, Daniel, Korto
Episode Two Top Three - Suede, Kenley, Stella
Episode Three Top Three - Kenley, Leanne, Terri

Of the nine designers who've placed in the top three in the first three episodes, only one, Kenley appears more than once. And we know she doesn't make the top three this week. Now try the list of losers on for size:

Episode One Bottom Three - Blayne, Stella, Jerry
Episode Two Bottom Three - Korto, Leanne, Wes
Episode Three Bottom Three - Keith, Jennifer, Emily

Not one repeat there. Talk about parity. And three of the bottoms also appear once each in the tops! What a confusing season. And two of the designers have managed to skate (sorry, couldn't help it) through all three weeks without being top three or bottom three: Jerell and Joe. Note too that will change this week, as both make it to the final six, one way or another.

To quantify this a bit more, let's assign each designer a point value for his or her place each episode. Let's give 4 points to the winner, 3 to the second place designer, and 2 to the third place designer. Let's also give one point to each designer who is "safe" each week, since that counts for something. For the losers, let's work it the opposite way: -4 for being aufed, -3 for being runner-up-worst, and -2 for being third worst that week. Here's what we get:

Kenley: 8 points (One 1st, one 2nd, one safe)
Kelli: 6 points (One 1st, two safes)
Suede: 6 points (One 1st, two safes)
Daniel: 5 points (One 2nd, two safes)
Terri: 4 points (One 3rd, two safes)
Jerell: 3 points (all safes)
Joe: 3 points (all safes)
Leanne: 1 point (One 2nd, one 2nd worst, one safe)
Korto: 1 point (One 3rd, one 3rd worst, one safe)
Keith: 0 points (One 3rd worst, two safes)
Blayne: 0 points (One 3rd worst, two safes)
Stella: 0 points (One 3rd, one 2nd worst, one safe)
Jennifer: -1 point (One 2nd worst, two safes)
------------------------------------------
Emily: -2 points (Two safes, one auf)
Wes: -3 points (One safe, one auf)
Jerry: -4 points (One auf)

Why break it down like this? Well, besides proving that beyond Kenley's slight early lead this is anyone's game right now, this can perhaps help us gauge potential future performance based on previous results. (Hey--we don't have much else to go on here.)

If these standings proved prescient, here's how things would break down among the final six:

Top three: Daniel, Terri, and either Jerell or Joe
Bottom Three: Either Jerell or Joe, then Korto and Jennifer

However. If there's one thing all our spreadsheets above have also taught us, it's that one week's goat can easily be next week's hero. Adding to that some nervousness on Daniel's part about this challenge not being something he's comfortable doing, and that his outfit, when glimpsed on the runway, doesn't look "Olympic," and we're tempted to put him in the bottom three.

And then there's Terri. Terri who's been so good up 'til now, and who finally broke into the spotlight last episode. The previews make a big deal out of her losing the fabric she wanted to Keith, who may or may not have known she planned to use it when he had a Mood clerk cut him a few yards. With her first choice of fabric gone, Terri goes for something that looks like black with red stripes standing next to her on the runway, and we are...reticent. Oh yes. We are reticent. Dare we put two favorites in the bottom three? Oh, why the heck not. As we've said before, it's that kind of season.

Who then for the final spot in the bottom three? Well, we catch glimpses of Korto's and Joe's outfits, and both look properly patriotic and sporty, so we're pegging them for the top three. Jerell too has been flying under the radar, so we're tempted to call a breakout for him this week. He's also shown in the clips smiling and nodding--though whether this is a good-natured response to someone telling him his outfit belongs in Cocktail Land is unclear.

But it's getting late, and we've already procrastinated enough. Let's get to it:

This week, we think Korto, Joe, and Jerell will make the top three, with Korto winning the gold medal, Joe the silver, and Jerell the bronze.

We also think Daniel, Terri, and Jennifer will be in the bottom three. It will come down to Jennifer and Terri, and Jennifer will go home.

So there you go. For all we know, we have the top three and bottom three completely reversed. Ugh. Ah well. For those of you who have risen through the ranks of Fafarazzi based on our projections, let us apologize in advance for this week ruining your meteoric rise to the top...

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